


A vow to love you forevermore

by LiterallyAmazingPhan



Series: fire meet gasoline verse [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Breakup, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phan Angst, Phandom - Freeform, Sequel, TW mental illness, TW sadness, tw, tw suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-28
Updated: 2015-07-28
Packaged: 2018-04-11 19:09:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4448687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiterallyAmazingPhan/pseuds/LiterallyAmazingPhan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Fire Meet Gasoline<br/>“God, how do wish I could turn back time and change it! How I wish I had kissed him and cuddled him as much as he wanted! How I wish I hadn’t let my feelings of rejection and frustration get on the way of loving Dan. Maybe I could have avoided every single chapter that came after. This is not a fairytale. There’s no happy ending lurking in the corner. Only the unadulterated fear of the unknown as I felt myself slowly slipping away, going out for drinks and eyeing up other guys, because I felt like I already lost the one I still had.” Phil's POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Heavy themes, depression, panic attack, mental health issues, a minor warning for a thought about self-harming (not explicit), break-up, loads of angst and sadness. Please proceed with caution if triggered by any of these.
> 
> Disclaimer: these are not real or cast aspersions of Dan and Phil. I don’t claim it has ever happened to them or that they are or have ever been in a relationship. This is just fiction. I also don’t own any of the sound lyrics in the beginnings of chapters. They belong to Evanescence, David Cook, Sia, Muse, Coldplay, and Ed Sheeran.
> 
> A/N: Here it is! The long awaited sequence to Fire meet gasoline (you should read it first or else this one is gonna be kind of confusing, tbh)! It’s finally here, omg, took me only like 3 months or so? lol Right! Thank you so much for the response I got on that story, and I hope you like it just as much! (I personally don’t think it was as good as the first, but I wanna know what you think ^_^)
> 
> A/N 2: Cross-posted on my tumblr blog

## I.

. .  … … … . .… …… … . . .… …… . .…

 _“Say goodnight_  
           don’t be afraid,   
           calling me, calling me   
                                   as you fade to black”

_… … … . .… . .… ….  …… … . .… …. ._

Howling winds, whistling all around him. The feeling of uneasiness crawling up his spine like a distant threat. Nauseatingly familiar yet so different from the emptiness in his core, the one he sworn he would never again have to face. Here Phil was, by nightfall, drowning again in that damned feeling. Empty promises, forced smiles, anxious longing. He couldn’t quite pinpoint the origin of such turmoil. Well, that’s not true. Rationally, he knew the whole sensation had a name and a face, with too many memories attached to it.

It hasn’t been the easiest couple of weeks for him. After everything that recently happened, Phil was positive that he had gotten through the roughest path. He faced the sadness of breaking up with the one he loved too much, the unrelenting feeling of _wrongness_  on his unguarded side. It was a pervasive nothingness, one that would more often than not sneak up on him and make his whole world turn to unsatisfying shades of grey.

But he got through it, somehow. He was still learning, still expecting to hear his voice each morning, to have his warmth pressed close against his own body. The learning would still go on for a long time, but he found comfort in the idea that he made the right choice, after all. He just couldn’t put them both through the pain they were living in again. It wasn’t right! Dan deserved so much better.

His text tone brought him back to the here and now. Absentmindedly, he picked up the device to look at the message displayed on the screen:

_this is it, Phil. i never stopped loving you and i’m sorry. goodnight_

Frozen to the spot, he looked at the message from his ex-boyfriend, feeling nausea rising in the pit of his stomach. They hadn’t talked ever since they broke it off, messily. Phil believed it was for the best, the noble thing to do after everything. He thought he was setting him free from all the pain he only had himself to blame for. Dan was supposed to be safe! Blood running cold, he realized: this was goodbye. And that could only mean one thing.

Getting up from the bench, hastily shoving his phone in his pocket, Phil ran out into the road, trying to hail down a cab to Dan’s house.  _Their_  home. As he ran, only one thing went through his mind:

“ _No, you can’t do that to me! You don’t get to go. Not Dan, please, anyone but Dan!”_

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

_I remember, a long time ago, there was a beautiful boy with the most beautiful smile. I can clearly recall the exact moment I realized I had a crush on him. We had been texting for a long time and we had recently started skyping each other on a regular basis. I knew we had a special kind of friendship from the start, but I didn’t know how deep these feelings ran until that singular moment._

_It was the first time I saw him smile. Truly smile. It was over something silly I said, some stupid joke I made in the hopes of making him giggle. But he didn’t. He stared at me with such fondness, eyes sparkling, and his face broke into the biggest grin. Then he started to laugh that loud, obnoxious laugh of his and it was the first time I actually heard it. He always seemed so nervous when we talked and now he looked so at home, laughing loudly at some random comment I made, that I couldn’t help but feel warmth spreading through my body at the sight of it._

_I smiled back and he stopped laughing and looked at me, eyes still sparkling with unshed tears from laughter and I remember blurting out how much I loved his smile. He blushed and told me to shut up, but my heart wouldn’t go back to its normal pace for a long while after that. It was then that I first realized the feelings I didn’t dare to think about before and I wondered if he would ever feel the same for someone like me._

––––––––––––––––––––––––

No matter how fast Phil ran, it would never be enough. It would never make up for all the time he wasted. His lungs hurt as he kept running, up the many flights of stairs. He knew he was late, his whole body was telling him so. Every inch of him in pure agony, heart pumping madly, trying to reach out to the one it belonged to. It always would, Phil knew. No matter how much he tried to believe the lies he told himself to be able to sleep at night, he knew that his love for the brown-haired boy wasn’t something he could turn off completely.

As he reached the door to their old apartment and fumbled with the keys, which he never got around to returning to Dan, unable to let go of what they had, Phil knew he was too late. “ _Damn it, I can’t be late. Please, don’t tell me he’s gone, please, let me stop him, let me make this right!”_

The sight awaiting him was enough to make his knees wobble. There his best friend lay, on the carpet of the place they called home, motionless except for his heavy laborious breathing. Phil felt himself freeze for a second before he managed to close the gap between them, falling next to his body, knees hitting the ground hard. Phil knew he was screaming Dan’s name, but he felt like he was just watching it unfold, out of his own body. Dan never responded.

Phil grabbed his phone and called 999, surprised by the coherence in his slightly hysterical speech. The person seemed to understand the address and promised an ambulance, but he felt like it was too little too late, “ _after everything, damnit, all that we’ve been through, I can’t believe it! It just can’t be!”_

Feeling himself shaking as Dan struggled to breathe, eyes wildly searching the room to no avail, Phil cradled the boy’s body to his chest out of instinct, sharing his warmth. The boy felt so cold, like he was slipping away right through his fingers. Phil held him even closer and felt himself sob, whispering any platitudes he could in his ear, begging him to listen, to hang on and fight it, “ _damnit it, Dan, you need to fight it for us!”_

The boy finally seemed to notice him, then. His warm brown eyes found Phil’s and the latter just  _knew_  Dan was sorry. He was saying goodbye yet again, without uttering a single word, and Phil felt the tears fall, just as silently asking him  _why_. Why would he hurt himself like that? Why would he do this? After everything, every sleepless night, every kiss, every moment they’d shared, how could he ever dare to think Phil didn’t love him? How could he think he didn’t deserve the chance to try and convince him once more to keep fighting? How could he ever believe that their separation was that final?

Dan stared deep into his eyes and it was all there. Everything that kept them together for so long. Phil wanted to cry and scream about the unfairness of seeing it again only to lose it, to lose  _him_  forever. Reaching out, he stroked the boy’s cheek wanting to feel the texture of his skin against his palm. He knew the one in his arms didn’t have long anymore and the thought brought nothing but pure agony. Dan smiled up at him, strained, and Phil choked into a sob, grabbing his hand with more strength, trying to keep him there, lending him some of his warmth as he grew paler and colder by the second.

He seemed so peaceful, despite the difficulty to breathe, and that was the part that hurt the most. It was like setting him free for the first time, and Phil couldn’t handle that. Couldn’t handle the thought that something he did caused Dan that much pain. His own actions, his responsibility.  _All on him_.

“Dan, listen to me,” Phil said, voice wrecked by the relentless tears, “can you hear me, bear? Please, don’t leave me. We can fix this, you and I. We always could, no matter how difficult,” Dan’s struggle only intensified and he could now see fear in his eyes and it hurt so badly. Phil didn’t know what to do, “Dan, Dan, please! I love you, I love you, I promise! I never meant to end it, please, Dan, you have to hang on. Hang on, please, please, please…”

A litany of mumbled pleading continued, as he saw Dan’s eyes losing focus on his. He tried to shake him awake, but his clouded eyes started to close on their own volition and Phil knew he had lost him this time. He felt Dan’s hand going limp and growing impossibly colder.

It never reached Phil’s consciousness that a scream was torn right out of his chest. A primal yell of pain, indistinct. He wanted to check if Dan was still alive, if there was a chance for him to come back. All he did, however, was scream himself hoarse, clamoring Dan’s name, holding on to all the promises they had made, desperately attempting to shake him awake as tears blurred his vision.

He didn’t hear the EMTs busting down their door. He barely noticed them running in and pushing his own struggling form away from the body on the floor, rushing to his aid.

Somehow he didn’t believe they would be able to save him.

Amidst the darkness of Dan’s farewell, Phil lost all hope.


	2. Chapter 2

## II.

_… . .… … .… … . .…  … … …… … . .. .  .… …… . ._

_“I know he’s living in hell every single day_  
           So I ask: oh, God, is there some way for me  
                                                                      To take his place?”

_…. . … . .… … .… … .… …… … .… … …. . … … … ._

_I remember randomly calling him a Sunday night. I wanted to see his smile, the one that made my heart feel funny so many times before. Instead, when he finally answered the call, I got nothing but red eyes and tear tracks. I didn’t know how to react at first and just stared at him as he sniffled, trying to say something._

_I remember the pain in his eyes as he talked about the life his parents had planned out for him. The average guy with a wife and two kids with a career good enough to get him by. I remember the light in his eyes as he enthused about the future he envisioned, bright and colorful, the one he’d dreamed of. To reach the stars, to leave a mark upon the world._

_I can never forget the look on this face as he confessed he already liked me and that was why he wouldn’t be able love someone else like his parents wanted him to. As I can hardly forgive myself for freezing up when all I wanted to do was squeal in pure delight. My beautiful brown-eyed prince had just made me the happiest I had ever been, but I let him slip away between my fingers with my hesitation, as he turned off the computer and hid from me for the rest of the night._

_I spent that whole night trying to get him to talk to me again. I even considered booking tickets to his neighborhood and making a very dramatic scene, but I knew his family wouldn’t appreciate it, so I kept my distance._

_It was worth the wait, in the end. It was worth it to see his smile, the most beautiful smile I had ever laid eyes on, shining brightly at me the next day, when he finally accepted my calls. It was worth it to be able to say that I felt the same and that it would all work out, that he never had to worry about a single thing. To tell him that we could do it. You and me against the world, I thought. And I loved him even more. God, Dan, if only I had skipped to the next few chapters and cracked the hidden code behind your sadness, maybe none of those horrors would have ever happened._

_––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––_

Three times the doctors thought they had lost Dan. Three times they yelled at each other, bringing that horrible machine to his chest, to jumpstart his heart. Phil felt the punch of the machine as if it hit his own heart, as he cried and wished for it to work one more time. He needed to make it right, to make Dan see how much he meant to him. No matter what happened before, all he could think about was how much he loved him and it all paled in comparison.

Three times he believed Dan was gone. Phil felt the ache deep in his chest as they took him away, machines feeding him oxygen. He couldn’t ignore the prevailing thought, nagging at his consciousness. The glaring truth he couldn’t yet face:  _it was on him._  Phil knew it, how unstable Dan had been. It was the reason the whole fight went down anyway. He knew it and yet he left him alone to fight his demons, because he believed Dan would be stronger without him.

He fooled myself and all he wanted to do now was hurt. He wanted the pain to be his, wanted to take his place. Hell, he’d rather his ex-boyfriend had hurt him instead! But he didn’t and deep down Phil knew he never would. All Dan did was give it all up and the thought of him gone was unbearable. Phil scratched his own arms raw, but the pain wouldn’t ever be enough. He wanted to rip his hair out and scream because it was his fault and he didn’t know how he’d handle the possibility of a life void of his presence.

He waited and waited, lost in his own pain. All Dan must have gone through these weeks apart! How thin and fragile he looked lying there on the floor of their apartment. So much history, everything they built together, now completely meaningless without Dan to share it with. And it was all Phil’s fault, he kept repeating to himself, festering the wound. It was on him, all on him, he hurt Dan to the point of no return and there was nothing he would ever regret more than walking out of that door and not hugging him once more and never letting go.

A doctor walked out. He saw her mouth move and form the words:

“I’m sorry”

The world blacked out around the edges;

                                                          then nothing…

 


	3. Chapter 3

## III.

##  … … .… … . .… … … . .… … . .… . .…

 _“I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart,_  
                       but your blade  
                                   it might be too sharp”  
… .… . .. . … . .……. .. … . .… …… … . .…

_I remember all the happy moments we had together. Every single achievement we shared. God, all the smiles and the endless little jokes! I remember it all like I could still reach out and touch his dimple after he laughed really hard at something I said. I remember holding him close and loving him softly on our bed as he moaned my name, lost in ecstasy._

_I remember the lazy afternoons, laying down in our couch, cuddled up as we browsed the internet, laughing at every silly thing our fans sent us. I remember tickling him just to see him lose his temper for a little bit, yelling at me to stop._

_I remember passionate kisses by the fire, hasty needy hands running through our bodies as we tried to get rid of all the fabric separating us. I remember the mirth in his eyes whenever he was feeling particularly on the mood for it, shamelessly grinding into me. I always loved how demanding he could be when he really wanted something._

_I also remember the bad times. The gloomy moments when he had nothing to look forward to. The emptiness in his eyes as I held him and made him feel that I cared. I can’t forget the pain in his eyes when he started to cry and scream himself hoarse over something so minor, so unimportant. And I wondered if I was making it worse as he yelled and shut me out, flustered and so very afraid. But I reminded myself to be patient as he crawled in our bed during the night and held me close, whispering how sorry he was in the darkness of the night._

_And I loved it all. I’d give anything to have it all back as I contemplated losing him in what I would later call the worst times of my life. Even the constant fighting of late, I’d prefer anything to losing him. There could never be anything more painful than the thought of him gone._

_And here I am, Dan,_

_What the hell happened to us?_

 


	4. Chapter 4

## IV.

… …… … … . … … … … . .…

 _“Lips are turning blue_  
A kiss that can’t renew,  
           I only dream of you  
                                   My beautiful”  
… … … … … .  .. .   .. .  … … …

It was a long difficult journey. Phil sat down next to his hospital bed, observing the motionless body over the sheets. It was a terrible sight, one he never expected to be forced to face. But here he was and it was all real.

The doctors said he was still alive, barely hanging on. Phil wanted to believe his Dan would be back, but the chances were not the best. He limited himself to holding his limp hand between his own and crying, hoping against all hope that it was all a terrible nightmare. Wishing it was him laying there instead.

_God, this couldn’t be really happening!_

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––-

_I remember the first time I noticed something was seriously wrong with the boy with the big, scared eyes. It was one of his bad days and he had retreated to his room, not even looking at me. I knew I shouldn’t, but I felt bitter about the whole thing. I was supposed to be the mature one, being older and all, but I wasn’t, not really. I craved his presence so much, I liked to hug him for no real reason and surprise him all the time with little gestures, and while I knew he loved me, he wasn’t that much into touching anymore. Most of the times I was fine with it. But, as it turns out, I wasn’t in that specific day._

_I decided to suck it up, telling myself I was an adult and I didn’t need it. So I crossed the hall, reaching the door to my bedroom (ours, but Dan currently occupied our spare, the one we told everyone was his). As I stepped inside I heard barely concealed sobs coming from the other room._

_I frowned, feeling my heart beat faster. Was the boy I held so dearly crying? Why would he cry? Was he hurt? Desperate thoughts crossed my mind and I decided to go to his room and check it out. I didn’t even knock, just let myself in._

_As the door opened I saw him, pacing restlessly, feral eyes running around the room. His hands had tangled themselves into his hair and I can now confess I was too shocked to react for a moment. He didn’t seem to realize I was there and I wasn’t sure how to approach him. I gave a tentative step forward into the room and his eyes snapped to me like a flash._

_He yelled at me to get out, shakily, startling me. He repeated it time and time again, walking backwards as I tried to come closer, until he hit the wall with his back, falling to the ground like a caged animal, so so afraid. I could hear him muttering heartbreaking pleas, brokenly whimpering for me not to touch him. Over and over and over, tugging at his own hair._

_I had never been so afraid. Never in my life I had felt more insecure, smaller. I couldn’t help the precious boy in front of me. Everything I did would only hurt him more, in his fragile state. I raised both of my hands and I realized they were shaking slightly as I just observed him. His breathing started to get erratic and I stepped further away, giving him space. It was all I could give him._

_I distinctly remember the stale taste in my mouth and the adrenaline coursing through my veins as I observed him, breathing irregularly, lost inside himself. He rested his head on his knees, shutting me out completely and rocking himself back and forth. I tried bargaining with him, promising I’d never touch him if he didn’t want me to, but he was completely lost to me. Elusive, lost in a universe I could never reach. I sat on his bed and waited it out, fear shaking me to the core._

_I also remember when he started sobbing again and I asked as softly as I could if he wanted me to join him. He nodded, still keeping his head on his knees, and I engulfed him in a comforting hug, trying to calm down my own heartbeat and rocking him back and forth exactly like he did. He seemed to finally breathe for the first time, holding on to my shirt, wet teardrops rolling down his face as he whispered how scared and broken he really was, talking over my whispered litany of reassurances. All the promises I made that he wasn’t broken, that he would be just fine come the morning._

_I just held him again, promising I would keep him safe. Promising that I would be there to put him back together._

_I wonder why I ever thought I could._

_––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––-_

Phil was holding his hand when it finally happened. His eyelids fluttered for a moment and he held his hand tightly, calling his name, guiding him back home. Dan’s eyes opened slowly, the ones he thought he would never again gaze into. Phil felt the tears prickling into his eyes as his drained gaze took the room in. He waited with a baited breath as the injured boy’s mouth opened, eager to hear his first words back into this word.

All he got was a blood-curling scream, a litany of ‘no’s running together as Dan tried to get up and Phil tried to hold him down, yelling for help, nurses to rush in.

He could never erase the look of betrayal in Dan’s eyes when he realized he had survived his attempt at parting. As he would never forget the tears that rolled down his cheeks as he was held down and put under again by the drugs.

 

>> Part V


	5. Chapter 5

## V.

… . .… … . .… .… . .… …… … . .…   
_“Lights will guide you home_  
           and ignite  
                       your bones  
                       and I will try  
                                   to fix you”  
… … …. .… … . .… … . .… …… …

_I remember the little things. All the times he broke down crying over minor things. All the times he started to yell and snap at me for no apparent reason. The mood swings, the lethargy, all of it. My beautiful prince was barely himself anymore and it hurt me so much to see him drowning into himself._

_He trusted me now. He let me in, he even came on his own volition when he started feeling destructive and I held him and rocked him back and forth, sometimes singing off-key. Most of the times he was okay. He would go back to normal and would never admit that there was anything wrong at all. The pacing in the middle of the night that put me on edge, knowing it could result in another crying session, was nothing but nerves for him. He was just overworked. He would be absolutely fine. I huffed, wishing I had his confidence to say these words out loud._

_It was tiring and I knew it made me a horrible person to think so. Sometimes I needed my distance. Sometimes he would go too far and say something hurtful to me in our constant arguing. I was tired and I felt like I was only making everything worse for him all the time. He didn’t seem to appreciate my help anymore. Whenever he had one of his moods, he would barely accept my touches, distancing himself. After a while, I just stopped trying._

_He would never admit there was something wrong. I think he was hiding it from himself even, as he sometimes would bounce back and try to approach me. But I felt so bitter and exhausted all the time. I couldn’t keep up with him anymore. He was all over the place, and I never knew how to make him happy. I loved him so much, and yet I knew I would never be enough._

_When he had good days, Dan tried to kiss me and cuddle a lot. Some days he was so sweet and almost like his old self, but it felt untrue to the boy I held in my embrace, the one who cried for hours and screamed himself hoarse at random moments. The one I tried so hard to help and I could only make damage more and more._

_I knew he could feel the distance. I grew colder and more secluded by the day and I knew he could tell. I could catch the hurt eyes looking at me, and the low sobs in the shower. They were nothing compared to the outbursts of emotion I witnessed when he was having a bad day, but I knew they were honest. I knew they were my fault and it was killing me on the inside._

_God, how do wish I could turn back time and change it! How I wish I had kissed him and cuddled him as much as he wanted! How I wish I hadn’t let my feelings of rejection and frustration get on the way of loving Dan. Maybe I could have avoided every single chapter that came after._

_This is not a fairytale. There’s no happy ending lurking in the corner. Only the unadulterated fear of the unknown as I felt myself slowly slipping away, going out for drinks and eyeing up other guys, because I felt like I already lost the one I still had._

_God, how I wish I was never that stupid!_

_______________________________________________________________

It was a while later when Phil was finally allowed to talk to Dan. He had first to see millions of psychiatrists and doctors, who diagnosed and poked and prodded at him until Phil wanted to scream at them to let him in, let him talk to the boy, for God’s sake!

The moment finally came: Dan was awake when Phil entered the room, nervously shuffling on his feet and looking at the boy on the bed, almost as pale as the bed sheets, vacant stare fixed in the opposite wall.

“Hey, Dan,” he kept his voice soft, sitting down next to him on the chair, “how are you doing?” he only shrugged, looking down at his own lap on the elevated bed, “does it hurt?” he shook his head, without looking up, “that’s good to hear,” was Phil’s polite reply, as he just observed the boy. A long silence followed.

“Go on, tell me,” Dan’s weak voice broke through the previous quiet and Phil was yet again confused.

“Tell you what?”

“Tell me how much of a fuck up I am. How I couldn’t even do this one thing right,” he finally looked up into Phil’s eyes, tears threatening to fall, “tell me how much better we would all be if I had finally done it.”

“WHAT? Dan, how could you ever think I would EVER say something like that to you?” Phil was confused, feeling his heart beating fast, but also very hurt by Dan’s sentiment.

“Well, didn’t seem like you cared a whole lot when you fucked another person and left me. Was I not enough? Is that it?” Dan sounded more tired than angry now, like it was all drained out of him.

“I already told you that you’re mad for thinking I would ever hurt you that way,” Phil countered, sad eyes fixed on Dan’s face.

“Well, you could have fooled me, but you’re gonna need to try harder!”

“Dan,” I insisted, making him meet my gaze, “I’m being honest. I  _never_  cheated on you. I wouldn’t.”

“Then… Why did you leave?” Dan seemed confused, probably reading the honesty in his former boyfriend’s eyes.

“I was scared. I was so scared, Dan. I was messing it all up. We were fighting all the time and I was more out than in and I just couldn’t do it to you any longer. I was killing you when all I wanted to do was help you,” I fixed his fringe, tenderly, as he just looked at me with those big scared eyes, “but I was never good enough. You deserved someone who could understand you and love you the way you deserve. It’s not me and I’m sorry.”

Phil felt the tears start to roll down his cheeks and Dan soon followed, grabbing his hand, as he continued, “I’m sorry I was never enough, Dan. I couldn’t just watch you die and that’s exactly what I did when I tried to set you free. And I can never forgive myself for it and I will never forget the image of you, laying there…” he started sobbing at that, unable to continue his sentence, covering his face with his hands.

He felt Dan shuffle closer, tugging at him until he was enveloped in his embrace, bawling his eyes out. It was funny to think that Dan was comforting him this time, even though he was the cause of the man’s sorrow. He didn’t know who to thank for the warmness of his arms around Phil’s body and his steady heartbeat against his ear, a reminder of what he could have lost.

And if he felt Dan’s tears also soaking up on his hair and a whispered litany of ‘I love you’s, Phil pretended not to notice, knowing he could never be the one for Daniel James Howell.


	6. Chapter 6

## VI.

… …… …… . .… …. . . .. 

 _“ We’ve gone against the tide_  
All we have is each other now  
I am coming home now  
           I need your comfort”  
… …… ….  … .… . .… … .

_I remember all the stupid mistakes I made. The reason for the breakup. The liquor I kept downing, convincing myself that I needed it to keep myself going. The late-night entrances, an attempt to avoid Dan and drink my concerns away. The certainty that the broken boy couldn’t love me fully when he himself wasn’t whole to begin with._

_I remember that precise night when I got home way too late. I remember the guy who came up to me and wanted to take me out in the alleyway and pleasure me. It had been so long, I was tempted to accept it. But, despite the alcohol trying to convince me it would be sweet relief to my personal frustrations, I could never do this to Dan. So when he grabbed me roughly and kissed my mouth, lowering his lips to suck on my neck, I pushed him away from me and left, stumbling into the fresh air of the night._

_I can’t lie and say I remember getting home. I have a vague remembrance of Dan’s arms around me, guiding me somewhere. It felt so good to feel him touching me again, even in an innocent way. I missed his warmth and his steadying presence surrounding me, but I couldn’t allow myself to hurt him even more, so I kept my distance._

_The fight that culminated in our breakup didn’t surprise me. It was just a matter of time, I told myself. I tried to stay calm, ‘cause I knew it was coming. And I knew it was for the best. When I saw him break down and cry, his words breaking apart along with him, I felt tears fill up my own eyes and tried to take it back._

_The words he uttered next, however, steeled my resolve._

_“Why did you hurt me?”_

_And that was the whole bloody problem, wasn’t it? I_ had _hurt Dan! I did, repeatedly! I pushed him away, denied him affection. I wasn’t enough to glue the broken parts of him together. I grew cold yet again, trying to pretend this was what I really wanted, ignoring the pain rushing through all my body._

_If this was the right choice, why did it feel so wrong?_

_I watched him fall down to the floor in a fit of tears. Instinctively, I tried to reach out and hold him, but I held myself back. It was over now. There was no turning back. It was done and I had freed him, even if he couldn’t see it yet._

_I walked out of the door, feeling my chest constrict and the tears blind me as I ran down the stairs._

_I also remember the day I came back to get my stuff from the flat. It was the day I finally uttered our parting words, making the separation official. I could see him break right in front of my eyes, as he just vacantly stared at me gathering my things. All I wanted to do was hold him and promise that he would find someone better. Someone who would actually love him the way he deserved._

_All I did was give him a tender kiss on the forehead and mumble a rushed goodbye, hurrying out of the home we used to share._

_It all belonged to him now, as my heart always would no matter how much I tried to fool myself to think otherwise._

_I walked away with a heavy heart, convincing myself that it was the best for Dan and he deserved to be happy._

_But now I look back and can’t help but think_

_Was it?_

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

It wasn’t easy, Phil realized. Dan was eventually released from the hospital, but he had to take many pills to keep it under control. The psychologists were positive that he would be back to his old self if he took all the medication and went to the therapist once a week. They were sure that Dan would be free of the relentless pain soon and Phil would be damned if it wasn’t the most hopeful thing he’d heard in a while.

It was even more difficult when they were back home and Dan would resist the medication, not wanting to take it for one reason or another. It was difficult to make him get up and talk to his therapist every week, no matter how much he thought he didn’t need it anymore. Dan still had quite a temper on him and Phil had a hard time convincing him to do things, especially now that they were back to being just friends.

It beat the alternative, though. It beat being alone and sad, missing him like the phantom pain of a missing limb. It beat the sleepless nights and the constant worrying. It quite simply had to be enough.

_So why did the distance hurt so much?_

Phil was a man on a mission now. He took care of Dan with all the patience in the world. And, considering the fear he went through in that very same flat, he would take this any day. He got to keep Dan one way or another and the progress he was making made his heart soar with pride.

It wasn’t always easy. There was still crying and frustration, yelling and slammed doors, followed by teary apologies in the dead of the night. There were subtle lingering touches and hugs that went on for entirely too long. They were aware of it, but both were focusing on Dan’s mental health and none of that stuff mattered, in the grand scheme of things.

And his progress was so evident that soon he was the happiest he had ever been before. His smile lit up any room, his laughter could be heard from the floor below and his bright personality shone once more. He would play videogames and chase Phil over the house, raising all kinds of hell. He still had his low moments, but it was all manageable. For the first time in forever Dan felt alive, energy thrumming through his veins. Phil’s smile grew everyday and he was so proud of every little achievement his best friend made, celebrating life with him.


	7. Chapter 7

## VII.

… … … … … … … … … . .   
“ _Loving can hurt sometimes,  
But it’s the only thing I know.  
          When it gets hard,  
          You know it can get hard sometimes,  
          It’s the only thing that  
                                             makes us _ feel alive _”_

… … … … … … … … … . .

It was a surprise to Dan when he went to find Phil one night and only found his laptop on his bed, the man himself nowhere to be seen. Feeling slight panic, Dan took a deep breath and looked back at it, seeing a post-it note sticking to the screen that read: WATCH ME. A video was set up, so Dan played it and Phil’s face filled the screen, blue eyes staring straight at him as he told the tales of a certain brown-eyed boy he loved.

_Was the pain worth it? That’s something I will never know. Dan will never know either. Because it wouldn’t be our journey without all these down moments, even the ones I can’t stomach to remember. The image haunts me at night and I would never forgive myself if I lost the boy with the brown eyes, the one I fell in love with all these years ago._

_I remember every step of recovery too. I remember the struggles. It wasn’t always easy. There was still pain and hurt feelings, I still oftentimes convinced myself that I wasn’t enough for him. But the truth was that Dan was getting better. And I was helping somehow. I knew how to do it now. And I couldn’t bear the thought of being away from him any longer, so I faced it all. We faced it all together as a team now._

_I remember when we settled for being friends only, Dan. And I know what I said. I was so scared and I think you always knew and you understood. I was never scared of you, but I was terrified of the thought of hurting you in any way, you know? I had convinced myself that it was somehow my fault and I would break you._

_But here we are now, my friend. We made it, you and I. Have I ever told you how proud I am of the man you have become, Dan? Despite all the demons you faced and still face every single day of your life, you’re here now. And, for some crazy reason, you’re here with me. You forgave me and I can never thank life enough for giving me the opportunity of earning your forgiveness._

_This is me, recording this message for you. Telling you my memories of a certain brown-eyed boy, whom I fell in love with in 2009. The one I was so scared to love, because I feared he would fall to pieces if I held him too tightly. The beautiful boy with the most beautiful broken smile, who I never knew how to love._

_Like I said, this is not a fairytale. You’re not the damsel in the distress, waiting to be saved. I never intended to be Prince Charming and swoop you away, like some sort of hero. I am none of those things. I’m human and I made lots of mistakes, and I will still make them. Mental illnesses can’t be cured by magic and I don’t expect you to be whole. But I realized that I could never be whole myself hadn’t I decided to share this journey with you, Daniel James Howell._

_This video is a promise to remember all of the good and bad things we went through. Everything that made us who we are today. It’s also a homage to the most captivating person I’ve ever met._

_This video is my vow to love you. Because I do love you. And I don’t think I ever stopped. I would be honored to call you mine again and go back to being your boyfriend, if you’re ready for this step. I want to remember it all, for many years to come. I want to make all these brand new memories by your side, if you’d have me._

_I still love you, bear. And I always will._

 

The video ended as Phil held a hand heart sign to the camera, tear stains evident on his face. All Dan could do was scream “yes” and run off to find his boyfriend, hold him tightly once more and never let go.

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: this is heartbreaking, bittersweet and yet very hopeful! I’m glad it turned out the way it has. And I’m sorry for the long time it took me to write it. Hope you like it, please leave a comment to let me know how well I did. :)


End file.
